Tales of Tea & Crunches

Bajai Kulture 9.3.04
Tales of Tea & Crunches
by KC Bajai

In none of my many online profiles or self summaries do I describe myself as "whimsical." I don't think of myself as a whimsical person. I don't do whimsical things... unless... you count starting a magazine because I thought it would be cool, or deciding to do 2000 crunches a day just to see what would happen. Okay, I admit it, there may have been some other whims in my past. I may even have become a personal trainer on a whim... nah, that was more practical.

Which brings me to the other fish in the Pisces circle, the practical one. I had a practical reason for becoming a fitness professional and I also have a practical reason for quitting the daily, sometimes twice or thrice daily consumption of tea.

For the past week my Facebook status has included two curious items; the number of crunches (also known as torso curls for those of you not into fitness jargon) and the number of days I've gone without a cup of tea. Curious because these two items have been the subject of a bevy of questions ranging from evaluations of my sanity (for which sometimes i cannot even vouch) to straight forward inquiries as to "why no tea." The later being quite understandable, as these questions have come from people I've shared many cups of tea with.

But first, let me indulge my whimsical side and allow you a peek into how my mind works. Take the children out of the room, I'd hate for you to blame me for anything they might pick up by reading over your shoulder.

As a fitness professional my longest running class (continuously since May of 2007 with the exception of regular breaks) has been the "Awesome Abs" class at Temple University. I've gotten pretty good at motivating and entertaining the students who come for an abs experience. Not only have I come up with memorable names for everyday abdominals exercises, I also tend to use humurous (to me anyway) imagery and scenarios that at times elicit reports to the coordinator. While my "audience" is stretching I give them tidbits of information and/or test their attitudes towards fitness fact vs. myth.

On one particular day, I asked the class if anyone still believed that doing nothing but crunches would reduce the fat around their midsection. Almost no one raised their hands. This is when I told them, "You could do 2000 crunches a day and unless you do a cardio workout, no one will ever see the results." I further told them that if they had a fat gut, the muscles under the fat would get big and make the stomach look even bigger. [*I put this in just in case any of you reading are doing crunches alone in hopes of achieving the six pack abs rack.]

This is the moment that I wondered what the results would be if I did 2000 crunches a day. Of course I would have to document everything, because I also have this nerdy side. To make an already long essay not as long as it could be, let me assure you that the body does and will adapt to what you do to it. The first day I never even made it to 2000. The last day I did crunches (3-9-09) I got the first 1000 done in 3 (non-even) sets. The final 1000 came in 4 sets which included a single set of 500. I don't have to tell you this is time consuming and a bit mundane and certainly painful, it may even be a waste of time aesthetically, but I'm curious, disciplined and determined to see what happens after 6 weeks of this.

Let me share some brief results with you. Result number 1: They get easier to do. 2. You feel them. 3. Don't actually do them EVERY DAY, I learned that after 4 days straight of trying to do 2k a day. 4. Your rectus abdominus aka the six pack, will get harder and stronger, and as big as they will get. 5. Prepare yourself for some gastro-intestinal changes. No details, just keep in mind what curling your trunk entails. Finally stretch you abs after every set. If you are going to do 10 sets 200, or 200 sets of 10, stretch them babies out. You will feel the difference.

And now a word or two(thousand)... about Destiny. Although I no longer believe in this mystical concept, I still use it the same way I use God to bless people when they sneeze... it's just a habit.

One could say that a random encounter with a newspaper publisher for whom I once wrote led to the eviction of tea from my daily routine.

Briefly - I run into the publisher of a neighborhood newspaper, we catch up, I tell him about my fitness training, he tells me about his daughter's massage therapy. His daughter appears on the porch just as we're mentioning her. we are introduced, turns out we work in the same fitness compound. We exchange contact info and sure enough the next day I se her at the gym promoting her service. we chat I make an appointment.

I get my massage, which was very good, although I only have ONE other massage to compare it with. Being a fitness trainer has gotten me better acquainted with my body; learning the names of the muscles, etc. so as I'm relaxing I'm actually feeling what's going on and making mental notes to ask about at the end of the session.

Massaging my lower legs, just below the calf and above the hurt, not enough to ask her to stop, but certainly it was a point of concern. These are the areas that cramp up when I run long distances and wake me up at night when they cramp up. The left leg is especially troubling. Here's what she told me.

My fascia (imagine the rubber that protects the cable) around the muscle fibers in my lower leg(s) were dried out. She told me they felt like chips crinkling in her hands. (At least that's how I remember her putting it.) In short this area wasn't getting enough circulation, blood I figured, and certainly not enough water, (which blood if full of.)

I went into nerd mode and searched possible causes for poor circulation in the legs. After dismissing all the prescription "cures" and their myriad side effects, I found what I was looking for. Poor blood circulation and dehydration can be caused by caffeine and sugar, which happen to be two of my most profound addictions, which you probably know already from having read my "Addictions" essay.

So tea had to go. Cold turkey, which is how I'd recommend anyone to kick a habit.

It was probably Wednesday, March 4, 2009 that I had my last cup of tea. Thursday I taught two classes and I felt my lack of energy. By Friday I had a withdraw headache. Saturday it was still there. Late Sunday it seemed to pass. I didn't take any aspirin for it, just some herbs (and not THAT kind of herbs either). The problem was, just like a lover you may have broken up with that you really didn't want to, I kept having ghost images of drinking tea. I'd being surfing and writing and thinking, "I'd be having a cup of tea right now." I'd look at the tea cup my daughter brought me back from Disney World and want to fill it up with tea and sugar. Sometimes at work I'd go through 32 to 50 ounces of tea per night.

At first I was only thinking of getting through to Sunday. I'd heard some place that the first three days are the toughest when kicking habits. Then as Sunday passed, I decided i might as well go for 30 days, like the Super Size Me guy on TV. Then, another massage, see if she notices any difference. Some more running, see if i notice any difference and then perhaps joint the ranks of the decaf tea tot'lers or limit my caffeinated tea drinking to one a day.

Meanwhile, my beverage alternatives have been water, more water, the occasional orange juice and protein shakes, with water or OJ.

The early results are too early to evaluate. My scale supposedly measures body fat, but it does a better job of measuring weight and H2O content, which I record on a daily basis (nerd/scientist alert), and I have noticed my H2O measurements are higher and a bit more consistent.

Of course there's a possibility that I might be wrong about all this dehydration, circulation, sugar-caffeine connection stuff and I may have what doctors call "PCIL" (poor circulation in legs) and I'll have to be on Plavix, of Zytnyte, Xanficore, or some such drug I'll have to learn about in an multi-page ad in Golf Digest whose disclaimer reads "symptoms may persist" (translation - the drug doesn't work on the problem) side effects may include gaseous emissions from the rectal cavity, suicidal feelings, erratic erectile episodes, insomnia and could be addictive.

For now, I think I'll drink more water, no tea and see what happens.

And this, my friends is why my status updates can be summed up in shut-out terminology; Crunches 2000 Tea Zero!

Thank you for your concern.

Bajai Kulture 9.2:05

Bajai Kulture 9.2:05

The Roar of the Crowd
by KC Bajai

Somewhere in an old photo album, possibly in the possession of my mother, is a picture of me in my stage debut. The second grade Thanksgiving play. I think they made me a pilgrim. While everyone else is in some kind of period costume, I'm up there wearing standard issue second grader glasses, a turtleneck shirt and striped pants... forgetting my lines. If it weren't for that picture i would have probably blanked out the whole event, vehemently denying it until publicly unlocking the memory in a gush of tears on some afternoon talk show.

All I remember about how I got into this situation, is one of the teachers asking for volunteers.

I was standing in line waiting for whatever second graders lined up for back then. (This is when lines were called lines and not "queues.") And one of the teachers came out and said something like, "I need a volunteer." Cleverly I thought to myself - and yes i still remember this part - if i raise my hand nonchalantly I'll get picked. And it worked! I got picked, for the second grade Thanksgiving Play! More cleverly the teacher did not announce what we were volunteering for. Despite this unexpected turn, I volunteered several more times throughout my life until I finally learned my lesson after being discharged from the NAVY - which itself stands for Never Again Volunteer Yourself.

UGH!!

The first few years of my life i was a cute and happy baby. Those pictures are precious. My dad always seemed to photograph me smiling and laughing. Then I grew into a nerd. I didn't know I was a nerd, I didn't even know the word existed. I did know however, that I was different from most everybody else around me, or maybe i just felt different. Like I wasn't supposed to be there... but that's another story.

In any case, there would be no more plays, and no more performing on stage for me. With the exception of a few fashion shows in which I strutted my stuff on the catwalk... meeeOWWW! I kept myself off stage and in the background for many, many years, probably until I started producing and organizing variety shows for the magazine i started (once again, another story.)

If you were to take any of my group fitness classes you'd never in a million years believe the shy kid I was... or maybe you would. I've read in books written by egg-heads that we often mature into the opposite of what we were as children. In fact, I've done such a good job of reinventing (and subsequently liking) myself people have wondered if I'm Narcissistic. They've made me wonder that very same thing only to discover that the opposite is closer to the truth. Sometimes when we try to reach a goal, to affect changes to ourselves we tend to over compensate ~ to over shoot the mark. We have to zero in on the target. Maybe my, at times, bombastic personality is like shooting an air ball from half court only to have the ball go clear over the backboard. I'm zeroing in on my personality target.

I'm getting closer and closer every time i step in front of an audience. That audience is the handful to over 50, at times ~ mostly college students ~ who come to my group fitness classes. I'm not sure this character actually exists, but I feel like a cross between a college professor, a personal trainer and stand up comedian when I'm leading a class. I feel highly confident, I don't take myself too seriously, I explain what muscles the exercises are working and i even tell the occasional (bad) joke, make a (bad) pun, use sound effects and I've even been known to bark and/or growl, encouraging the class to do the same.

I suppose it's a bit different than most aerobics teachers' techniques, many of whom yell, count every move (that would drive me crazy) and sometimes worry too much about how they look doing the moves. My guess is aerobics teachers learn from other aerobics teachers and copy their techniques and choreography. But since I've never taken aerobics classes I come with a different style. (That style could be called Ignorance.)

In many respects I approach group fitness as if it's stand up, part monologue, part lecture, dynamic motivation and encouragement as if I'm rooting for my children telling them, they can do it! (They'd better do it!) I've coaxed push ups out of women who've never done them in their lives. A woman who comes to one of my classes just turned 70 and she's knocking out push ups like Rocky Balboa! (Second appearance for this story.)

Honestly, I get such a rush out of leading these classes i can't tell whether that rush is from being the center of attention or from the exercises. (Shhhh, maybe a little bit of both.) I think that rush spills over into the audience too. I can see that they are getting a good workout and i try to make sure everyone is safe too; not working too hard, etc.

I "opened" at SJU a while back to a very appreciative audience. They hadn't heard any of my jokes or wise cracks yet, the ones I've tested on Temple & USP; they hadn't done french fries either ~ french fries is a hit record!

Ha, that second grade Thanksgiving play still messes with my psyche. My nerd years in West Philly, my maturation in Overbrook Park and my birth of cool in Center City, I think about them and smile. I've left those days behind me and continue to evolve, but all those little parts of me are still inside. I wasn't such a big hit on the elementary school stage, but I've decided that stage was far too small for me. I'm performing on the life stage these days, two shows at Temple Mondays and Tuesdays, with matinees those days at the YMCA and 12th Street Gym; a single show Wednesdays at USP and two shows on Thursdays at SJU and 12th. Sometimes I get a round of applause at the end of the class and I blush - still, what i really enjoy is the laughter when I make historical references to torture and/or slasher flicks.

An educated group is my best audience.

PS: Between the time I wrote this and the time I posted it, I apparently offended a "customer" with one of my action anecdotes. While the rest of the customers were cracking up when i hit them with the punch line, one put her stuff down and walked out. I knew I'd hear about it and i did. I also knew I'd write about it, and I did... here it is... another hit record.

Bajai Fitness: #22109

Bajai Fitness: #22109

by KC Bajai CPT (Fitness Nerd)

This was actually written for my students/clients but my friends can probably benefit from this info as well...

There are three things people notice right away when they come to one of my GX Classes, 1) I'm a smart ass - I don't, and can't deny it, 2) I talk a lot. I'm not just there counting our reps, I'm telling you why we do what we do. 3) I'm a badass!! I believe in pushing the body beyond what YOU think it can do. You think you can't do push ups I say try. A lady in one of my classes was cranking out push ups on her 70th birthday... NO KNEES!!!

What you might not immediately figure out is that I care about your health and fitness. I'll give you all the information and resources I can think of to help you achieve your goals. Just because i do it in a smart-ass style, doesn't mean I don't care. You might also miss the fact that I'm a fitness nerd - my face is buried in books about weight training, martial arts, aerobics, nutrition, fads and trends. While you're downloading music, I'm downloading fitness videos. I stay up late at night watching fitness informercials and trying to figure out how the exercises done on these gadgets can be adapted to the class. I literally dream about fun and functional ways to lead a class that will not just educate you, but entertain you as well.

With this in mind, here's the latest (first of this year) essue of Bajai Fitness.
Most of what's in this "blog" I've been espousing to classes since i started, this time I've pulled some clips from an issue of On Fitness Magazine (www.onfitnessmag.com).

K-C Told you so....

The Back!!
1. The Latissimus dorsi are the biggest upper body muscles! This is why we worth them before we work the chest. These muscles are help us achieve that V shape that's so appealing.

Spot (Fat) Reduction
2. You can't spot reduce... but, the closest thing to it is, pounding your thighs and butt during a strenuous workout! when you do this the muscles will feed off of the nearest source of fat for energy. Fat is stored in two places primarily, between the skin and muscles. Hill running, high stepping, jumping & lifting creates an immediate need for energy - it will grab the fat that's "on location." When you burn fat this way, your legs will become tighter and trimmer!

Cortisol the Stress Hormone can help Burn Fat
3. The same hormone, cortisol, that promotes fat storage in the abdominal area, can help burn fat when combined with HGH, testosterone & adrenaline. These hormones synergistically work with cortisol to encourage fat-burning, NOT FAT STORAGE! This is why we keep the intensity levels high. This is why we do intervals in abs class!

Breast Enhancement & Exercise
4. Gyms have abs and butt classes, leg-specific classes, but I've yet to see an exercise class called Breasts and Busts! This is such a sensitive area (particularly in terms of body image) that no one wants to tackle it, so I sneak it into classes in a uncharacteristically PC way, for me anyway... but here's some important info for you, "Bench pressing will not bulk up a woman. a woman will have more uplifted breasts from chest workouts, along with firmer, trimmer and more attractive shoulders." So let's stop using the "I don't want to look like a line backer" excuse when I encourage you to bench or do push ups. One day a week of chest exercises will make you both more attractive and more confident - it will also make you stronger & better able to repel the unwanted advances your new look will attract.

OK... this is all you get this month. Digest it and hyperactivate it. Make this a part of your life style.
Remember my classes are about "SPACERB"

Strength
Power
Agility
Coordination
Endurance
Reflexes/Reaction Time
Balance

Last question - Should I bother making a Fan Page on Facebook???

PS I made the page anyway... it's under "Bajai Fitness"

What It's Like for a Girl

Bajai Kulture 9.2:04

What It's Like for a Girl
by K-C Bajai

From 1995 to about 1997 I became an honorary lesbian. Certainly by now we've all heard or maybe even used the "lesbian trapped in a man's body" bit. Back then it was new (at least newer than it is now.) I hung out and became friends with and observed and listened to the girls. This experience cemented the idea in my head that there is always a dominant and submissive member of every relationship. I also realized that female/female relationships can and often are just as abusive as male/female relationships. The personalities and attitudes are the same, only the anatomy is different. This isn't to negate the positive aspects of same sex relationships, it simply emphasizes that grass is just as green (or brown) on both sides of the proverbial fence.

While I was in my honorary lesbian phase (I've since learned that there's no resigning such an honor) I seem to have tapped into to my Yin - my feminine side. Now boys, don't go thinking you've got a chickie-boy over on your side of the fence to play with. Don't confuse gentleness for homosexuality. I still love the ladies. I'm not trying to screw my bolts into other bolts. Nonetheless, as I've tapped into a more sensitive part of my psyche, women have responded, in good ways and at times, in ways that have made me uncomfortable.

"How does it feel," one female friend of mine responded when i confided to her about an unwanted kiss. She had obviously been slipped an unwanted tongue a time or two when a cheek was offered too.

I have no problem with sexual tension karma coming my way - not even when it comes from men, I feel after my years of exploits I deserve it. Attention from (possibly) gay men is almost as big a complement as attention from women, hetero- or lesbian. I'm most likely to follow up with the latter - sorry guys, you can look, I'm flattered, but no touching.

So here's the story that all this background has led up to.

A short time ago in one of the gyms where I work, (I probably don't even need to name the place). I was about to hop into the shower. A guy was about to do the same across the aisle. We exchanged cordial words. Despite my penchant for innuendo and double entendres I wasn't sending out such word play - unless - I did say something about hoping not to have to take a cold shower. Uh oh!!

Anyway, I jump into my shower stall and pull the curtain, and shower.

When I'm done I open the curtain to find Mr. Tom peeping at me from his shower stall. He hadn't pulled the curtain all the way. I grabbed my towel and shut my curtain again and dried off. Then I wrapped the towel around me and walked back to my locker.

I was in serious relaxation mode. I had plenty of time before I needed to be anywhere so i wasn't moving very fast. I won't bore you with the details, this isn't a novel and I'm not being paid by the word.

Sitting on the bench separating my sweaty clothes from the clean ones I heard the rustle of a trash can liner, followed by some banging of the trash can. I looked up and over my shoulder and who do you think I see looking at me? That's right, Tom the peeping shower stalker. In a blink I could tell that he'd been standing there for a moment and when i looked his way (I didn't even look AT him, I was looking to see who was making that racket) he moved away as if he'd been caught with his fingers up his nose.

If a female were telling me this story I'd give the alleged stalker the benefit of the doubt; "well maybe he, this" or, "maybe he that," I'd say... and in the back of my mind I'm just thinking it's a series of coincidences. But maybe they're not. My senses have been honed in bad neighborhoods, military training, night clubs and various situations where erring on the side of caution is preferable to being caught with my pants down. Plus, it makes for a good story.

Like I say, I certainly don't mind being looked at. I've done my share of looking, leering, gauking, oogling. Sure, it's my artistic eye, my appreciation for beauty, my heterosexuality - I'm not trying to scare, anger or threaten the women I look at and I'm sure Mr. Peepers wasn't trying to rattle my ire either. Perhaps he liked what he saw and wanted to see more.

Hubba hubba.

So when Madonna sings, "Do you know what it's like for a girl?" My answer is still unequivically NO! But i have an idea, so i try to keep my dog on its leash. It's a balancing act between expressing a physical attraction, appreciation for beauty, biological desires, and the need to let you (her) know that I'm not going to hurt you.

Weight Loss and Body Contouring Secrets (Part II)

Bajai Kulture Vol 9.1:03

Weight Loss and Body Contouring Secrets (Part II)
Wednesday January 7, 2009
by K-C Bajai

Here we go again!!

Secret Number 6: Write it Down!! In the beginning you should write down everything you do, and everything you eat... even elimination! This will give you a clearer picture of you and how your body is working. You may not have to get carried away with it, however the more you write things down the more you will realize where you can make small changes in your life style that help you reach your goals. Write down how you feel after your first workout, what classes you're taking if any. Are you driving to work? Are there stairs you can walk up instead of an elevator, even one or two flights? How do you fel when you eat??

Secret Number 7: Do the Frequency! Minimum 30 minutes a day of exercise 3 to 5 days a week. Eat 5-6 small meals a day. Eat in decending order, larger meals early in the day, smaller meals as you get closer to sleep time. Multiply your body weight by 12 (sendentary) to 14 (mildly active) and that's the approximate number of calories you'll need per day. [This goes back to the education component, so i'm not going to get too deep into this now.]

Secret Number 8: Consult Professionals: I could easily hit you with the 1-800 number or some other sales pitch right here, but to be honest most of you couldn't afford me and I'd feel bad about charging my friends... (If you find me at the Y or 12th Street or Temple or USP and you have questions I'll try and help you.) Personally I don't think a person should have to pay an arm and a leg to get healthy, but this PT stuff is an industry and this industry charges me to keep my certifications up to date and stay CPR trained, etc. So us trainers have to cover our expenses. But it doesn't have to be me. If you have the funds to engage a trainer don't just do what he/she gives you to do, take the knowledge and use it. In my opinion there are three times a person needs a personal trainer: When they are just starting out or getting back into it; When they've hit a plateau; and when they wantto take it to that next level. Trainers provide knowledge, technique, caution and assistance.

Secret Number 9: Will remain a secret for now. This has to do with a bunch of numbers and calculations that are very individualized.

Secret Number 10: Which is not so much a secret, but a disclaimer. Consult your physician before starting your exercise routine. Make sure you are healthy enough to get healthier. When you do engage a trainer or join a gym you'll fill out a medical form that states you don't have any type of situation that can put you at risk of dropping dead on a treadmill. If you're a high risk "health seeker" you might be sent to you doc for a medical clearance. Don't use this as an excuse not to exercise, you'll more than likely just have to exercise moderately for a while.

Here are your ten "secrets" that will help you keep this, and possibly last year's resolution. I'll tell you straight away that I am an example of these "secrets" I've listed. I've been at this exercise lifestyle for a dozen years (a baker's dozen in April). I've incorporated every "secret" little by little and the changes have been no less than amazing. Beyond impressing my friends, I've also gained a great deal of control over my body, as far as muscle and weight control, as well as mind control in terms of eating discipline. I've also become a lot more educated about how the body functions.

Don't have 13 years to exercise 3-5 times a week for 30-90 minutes? Consider this, scientists have discovered evidence that a healthy lifestyle can slow the aging process. Spend the next 13 years active and healthy and it can earn you another 13 in healthy functional, fun, strong living. It sould be the difference between walking off the airplane and being wheeled out in a chair.

Weight Loss and Body Contouring Secrets (Part I)

Bajai Kulture Vol 9.1:02

Weight Loss and Body Contouring Secrets (Part I)
Monday January 5, 2009
by K-C Bajai

First of all the following are more strategies than secrets. Many fitness professionals refer to them as secrets so they can charge you for some supposed knowledge that's not available. The flip side of this tactic is you; unless information is wrapped in some kind of shroud, it's not appealing. Who wants to know what "everybody" knows.

So, now that I've taken the mystery out of this information, if you're still reading it means you're serious about changing your body.

I split this into two parts just to heighten the suspense. And to give you time to digest this.

Secret Number 1: Let's get away from titles that don't fully explain what we're doing. Titles like "going on a diet," "losing weight," "getting toned," or even as I am guilty of (even though it works) getting ripped!! When we decide to "get in shape" we are initiating a "Lifestyle Change." Sounds like a big deal and that scares people. Don't be scrrrd, take a big bite. Go for the gold. This exercise thing is not just about getting toned it's about becoming more healthy and we're going to have to hit on all cylinders right from the start if we're going to be successful.

Secret Number 2: Order from Column A, Column B & Column C - don't be cheap! Column A is strength training. Don't be afriad ladies, and don't give that tired "I don't want to bulk up excuse," (if that's truly a concern email me and I'll explain to you why it won't happen - let's move on.) Column B is cardio-vascular or aerobics training. Column C is... you guessed it, your eating strategy (DON'T CALL IT a DIET!!!) This combination will yield results for everybody, every time (unless of course you have some type of disease, in that case see your doc.)

Secret Number 3: Consistency and Patience. I don't know anybody who woke up one morning twenty pounds heavier than they were the night before. Keep in mind that your slow accumulation of excess fat took years. Think of the last time you were in "shape" and give yourself that many years to get back into shape. Personally i started off with a five year plan. That's right five years. Like I say, take the big bite right from the top. Even if you give yourself a three year plan, by the end of those three years you're on your way to cementing your new healthy lifestyle. Do I have to mention to stick with it??

Secret Number 4: Study. Living the healthy lifestyle is a matter of continuing education. There are always new exercise techniques being developed (not to be confused with exercise gadgets. Most of them, like fad diets, will disappoint you.) In my opinion books are better than magazines when it comes to learning about body mechanics and exercise techniques. Start with something you're interested in. Knowledge is your power, embrace it even when it comes to exercise and especially when it comes to food.

Secret Number 5: Goals and Rewards. For some people exercise is a matter of aesthectics, for others it's being able to compete for others it's staying healthy or just staying alive. Which ever you're after, sometimes these nebulous reason can start to dissipate and you question the effectiveness of your strategies. This is where short term (6-8 week) goal setting comes into play. And with these goals comes the rewards. (Note: rewards should not be counter to your goals. don't drop 5-10 lbs and go out and eat like a pig.) A lot or people, especially women, when they gain weight they go out and get their hair done and then buy bigger clothes. Flip this habit around, treat yourself to a new hair-do, massage or a spa day with every increment of weight lost. Make it significant, 5 or 10 lbs at a time. The more weight lost, the bigger the prize. If you think of this as a game show, it might help.

...to be continued, digest...

Hey! Little Girl (Bizarro Dream no. 20407)

Hey! Little Girl (Bizarro Dream no. 20407)


I'm walking along at a carnival, state fair or some sort of temporary place of gathering for the purpose of amusement, when I am struck in the back with a fist. I turn around to find this nine year old girl, dirty-faced in a purple coat. (I've been hit in public by children before. The latest episode was in a super market, where this child of about 3 or 4 let go of his mother's hand, walked over and hit me in the leg. His mother says to me, "sorry." At that moment I saw this child's future.) Anyway, back to the dream; next thing I know I am holding this kid up against a bulletin board type of kiosk relaying to her rather harshly that she shouldn't go around randomly assaulting people. I knew she didn't have parents (near by at least – in dreams you just know things) so I threatened to take her to the cops.

Of course she begged and pleaded for me not to, she apologized profusely, as children… as young female children do, so I relented and went about my business. I had a day at the fair, which I don't remember much of, just the random people you see doing random things. At the end of the day, on my way out of this place of amusement, I see dirty little purple coated child with the dyed blonde tips of her curly hair, talking to the cops, or some sort of venue security and she's pointing in MY direction.

In dreams you just know things, and I knew she was telling the cops that I'd molested her. Because I raised a daughter, I know what adults tell children about such things and I knew it would only be a matter of time before the self-righteous wrath of these rental cops would come upon me. So, like any guilty-till-proven-innocent accused child-molester in a crowded venue would, I turned my head away from the pointing fingers and began moving in the opposite direction, hoping to lose myself in the crowd.

Too late!

Security guards are worse than cops for so many reasons that I won't go into right now. At some point I am confronted by a man in an Army uniform (second time this week I've encountered "military" men in my dreams). I'm heading towards one of the exits when I am confronted face-to-face by this guy. "You want to talk to me?" I ask. And we have a seat at a picnic table. He's wearing eagles on his collar and I ask him if he's a colonel. He tells me he used to be in the army and he shows me that the army shirt he's wearing is from a thrift shop. (He'd left the price tag on it.) For some reason I respect his authority nonetheless and I begin telling him "what had happened."

A crowd is gathering around. I get about a quarter of the way through my account and this guy loses interest. I know he believes me, but I want to finish my story. He leaves the table and I begin shouting at him. Things kind of get stupid at this point, by which I mean, I start thinking of "creative" (imagine a Geico commercial) ways of telling my story. I line up three Destiny's Child wanna-bees and ask them to back me up with vocal harmony while I continue to tell my tale. No one wants to hear it though.

I wake up thinking, No good deed goes unpunished.

Real DJs Don’t Take Requests

Real DJs Don’t Take Requests

Even as I’ve mulled this line over in my head I already know the problems with it, the problems with me. It’s an old school issue; it’s a longing for the days that I went to clubs to hear the DJ play music I wasn’t hearing anywhere else. I’ve asked myself often this new year, “What’s the draw? Why would I want to spend several hours in a night club?” Ironically enough, with Philadelphia’s newly enacted smoking ban, THIS is the time to be in night clubs, (for me anyway as a non-smoker). I think I should be excited about returning to these cool spaces of nocturnal congregation, now smoke free, but I just can no longer, in my mind justify the time.

This, quite possibly is a sign of “getting old.” Although my friend is much more diplomatic, telling me my attitude is more, “been there, done that.”

More and more I am going to events where the “D” in DJ means digital, rather than disk – even compact disk – but, I tell myself, it’s not about the delivery system is it! It’s about the music. Do most people care if their beer comes from a keg or a bottle or a can? (Pass me a bottle please.) And as for the new tech DJs, I completely understand not wanting to lug crates full of vinyl from gig to gig. Even turntablism (the art of scratching, mixing, fading, cutting and all that, for those who STILL don’t know) has been adapted to a digital platform.

The Capricorn Party was fantastic! Despite the Eagles loss to the New Orleans Saints, I had a great time with family and friends. I have to give props to the DJs for coming through and playing some music for us to dance to. Their taste in music and their skills, (with a few exceptions) fluctuated between adequate and substandard. They set up a laptop, that was connected to the internet for “instant” downloads and a couple of CD decks. The practicality of it is not lost on my pragmatic side, but there was something missing. I think it was the soul and knowledge and love of the music that was missing from these guys’ performance. I think I can tell when a DJ is playing a track he/she’s only casually acquainted with, (via the radio of download or compilation CD). Pushing buttons on a computer doesn’t have the same organic mood as cuing a record or matching the beats and bringing it into the flow.

I’d say the years 1995 to about 2002, maybe 2003 were Philadelphia Golden Years for DJs. This is when things peaked. This is when people were excited and it seemed that every new restaurant was staying open past meals hours and setting up turntables on the edge of the bar. Some venues found the DJ draw to be worth building a DJ booth and hiring talent to spin and entertain patrons five out of seven days a week. However as with any phenomenon too many people started getting into the game and the market reached its saturation point. I knew it was ending when I’d hear the same tracks being played in different venues on the same night. I knew it was ending when I heard DJs playing tracks from others DJs’ (popular) sets. You know, when you walk into a club and hear music and you say, “That’s sounds like DJ A1,” and it’s DJ 4F, playing stuff he/she heard elsewhere.

They may already have digital juke boxes installed somewhere, I haven’t encountered them yet, perhaps it’s an issue of copy rights. If they are not already out there they are certainly coming. Look no further than your hard drive for the prototype. Imagine that consol on the wall of your favorite public house with so many choices they aren’t listed, but searched. You put your dollar in and you can play maybe 6 tracks, all digitally stored in a hard drive, maybe on the premises or maybe not. That’s what I see coming, (if, like I say it’s not already out there, I don’t get out much.)

Technology and diversity are two of my favorite things, however when one has virtually unlimited access and one is trying to please a diverse audience, it’s rather difficult for one to be exclusive. Indeed the concepts of diversity and exclusivity are diametrically opposed. Look no further than the wedding DJ who must be prepared to please, musically at least, the tastes of four or five generations; he/she may be asked to play anything from the Mills Brothers to Stephanie Mills to The Beatles to the English Beat to Modern English to a modern mashup or hip-hop remix. There’s no way for him/her to plan and execute an exclusive continuous set.

Real DJs don’t take requests, and savvy club kids don’t make them. Come to the party for the vibe, the music is part of that vibe, if you want to hear your favorite pop song, go turn on your radio or plug in your iPod, if you want to change the vibe or create your own, get your music and equipment together and start your own night at a venue somewhere, you might just find yourself building an audience, competing with a juke box or karaoke machine, or, as one DJ confessed of Nelly’s “Hot In Here” playing the same track three separate times in a single night.

Priests in Trash: Bizarro Dream 11207

Priests in Trash: Bizarro Dream 11207

Friday’s workout was devastating! After walking to the gym and working the first three back/trapz/shoulders stations as super-sets, balancing the rest with a muscle confusion technique and walking home, (I stopped for food which I never got around to cooking), I passed out on the floor for 80 minutes, then went back to sleep in my bed for 30.

Half an hour later I wake up with the phrase “Priests in Trash,” on my mind. What happened in the dream was that the archdiocese got into the sanitation business because of all the problems they’d had with lawsuits. They were out in their frocks and collars removing debris from in front of houses.

At some other point in this series of dreams I find myself sleeping on the floor of my room. It’s much bigger than in real life. I sense a presence; I open my eyes and see the silhouette of a woman rimmed in the moonlight. She looks familiar. I am awakened with a kiss, I kiss back and in between smooches I tell the unidentified woman, “I was hoping it was you.” We kiss for a while longer and then she leaves – get this – through secret exit in the wall next to the radiator. [Okay all you dream analysts out there… is this a secret love or forbidden lover?]

I can hear her traveling through the secret passages. I get up to find that my bedroom door is open, so I look around to see if Mojito (Stazja’s cat) has wandered in. He hasn’t. He’s waiting in the hall crouched, but there’s a collie in the hall with him. [We had a toy-collie named, you guessed it, Lassie, when I was a child.] I heard loud snoring, real loud. Then I hear my sister call out, “Pearl, Pearl!” [I work with a woman named Pearl at the gym. I don’t know whether she snores or not.]

Sometime later I am asking Xavion is he knew there were secret passages in [someplace, probably] the house. Later, which was actually sooner than I’d hoped, I woke up.

T-Blog

T-Blog

A T-blog is an entry I try to write in the time it takes for me to consume a cup of tea, makes sense right? T-blogs are perfect little weekly wrap ups of things I want to share and/or get off my chest.

[Takes sip of tea.]

The highlight of the week was perhaps 90 minutes hanging with two people I'd never met before, but whom I find to be kindred spirits; people of adventure. Anyone who visits a foreign country where they hardly speak/read the language, and visits people she's met on myspace is someone of extraordinary trust and confidence. Tomoni came from ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Japan, flying non-stop from Tokyo to New York where she connected with a myspace contact who helped her get from Manhattan to Baltimore on the Amtrak. She got to Philly with the help of Kennedy, an exceptional photographer/artist and adventurer; and we all hung out on South Street for a while on Thursday. It was more like a reunion of old friends (perhaps from past lives?) than people who were meeting for the first time.

This internet stuff is crazy!

In sports, my son's freshman basketball team remains undefeated with eleven games in the "win" column. Good thing there's no one rushing to put their pictures on the covers of cereal boxes or video games. From the games I've seen it's truly a team effort. The kid who seemed to be carrying the team with threes has cooled off, and other guys have picked up the slack. I've seen the center develop into a solid three point shooter and the offensive boards, rebounding, have improved.

As for me and my gym-ratting; I was feeling a bit like a slacker. I've only been to the Y once this week, (today will make it twice), however I've been doing a variety of push ups all week long at home (and work) and today I pressed past my all-time personal best of 100 and got 105. (This is BIG for me because I have been stuck on the 100 push up set for years. My mind would stop counting at 100 and my body would follow.) I have set a goal of 200 push ups now, not really expecting to attain it; (it's a mind thing with me, I need a goal to constantly be moving towards) however I'll take the benefits of working towards it.

Like the sages say, it's not the destination, but the journey.

My cup is empty. I think I may have been able to write more if I weren't interrupted by phone calls (welcome as they were.)

Have a good weekend! (Psssst GO EAGLES!!!)


PS: I FINALLY got some good sleep today!

Verizon Ripped me off!!

Verizon Ripped me off!!

I was about to rip Verizon a new “V-hole” so to speak, but my virtuous patience won the day and after being transferred around to five different phone-talkers, (as I know not their official titles), I attained satisfaction, thus the company remains unorificed!

Here’s my story: With the introductions of cell phones the concept of long distance is pretty much null and void. With this in mind, I cancelled long distance on my home phone, which I hardly even answer these days thanks to caller ID. Back in 04 Verizon put me in a plan where I’d only be charged long distance if I made long distance calls, which made perfect sense to me, so I went for it.

Last September, Verizon, probably realizing that people aren’t making long distance calls from their homes added a “shortfall” fee to that program. “Shortfall” is one of those quasi-benign words like “stop-loss” that companies and the government use but don’t define for us until we’re already caught up in it. For those who don’t know what “stop-loss” is, it’s when the government extends a soldier’s military obligation beyond the agreed upon contract so they don’t lose soldiers, (to discharges, etc. It’s apparently okay to lose soldiers to roadside bombings and ambushes, but that’s another issue.)

Verizon’s shortfall fee comes down to changing customers for NOT making long distance calls! You read correctly friends.

The customer service rep put it to me anything but succinctly; “It’s like, say you made $1.65 worth of long distance calls, that fee would be 50 cents.”

“So basically,” I say to her – calmly mind you, “Your company is charging me for NOT making long distance charges.”

Go ahead, tell me I’m right. I know I’m right!! I get transferred to customer service, where I am equally as polite, however I think the rep can hear the “I-can’t-freekin’-believe-the-freekin’-balls-on-this-company!” frustration rising in my voice.

What I want is the five months of being charged for NOT MAKING LONG DISTANCE CALLS, credited to my account. She doesn’t know that she’s going to be able to do that, she tells me, yet I remain calm. (There are phone/cable companies dying for my business, I think to myself. Are they gonna lose this contract over $10.00?)

My pleasant and helpful, (I understand that people respond in kind, so I get myself in a Zen type mood before I make these phone calls. Belligerent customers who attack CSRs don’t get anywhere. ) customer service rep explains to me that I was grandfathered into the program where by I am charged for NOT making LONG DISTANCE CALLS. Plus, she sees in my data, that I have an LD RESTRICTION on my phone – so even if I (or someone living with me; long, complex story from the past) wanted to make a long distance call, they couldn’t.

For a minute I wasn’t going to post this because the CSRs were so nice and I got what I wanted – but then I decided that it’s not about them, it’s some corporate bullshyt to boost their income and profit margin. Take that $2.15 a month for a service that’s not being provided or used and multiply it by all the customers that aren’t using it. That’s money for nothing and your chicks for free. It’s not as if Verizon doesn’t have a wireless program that’s keeping people from using the long distance on their home phones.

This is why CEOs who all but ruin companies can “retire” with hundred-million dollar severance packages. So if you have Verizon and you’re not using their long distance; check your bill. Heck, check your bills anyway, when you see some mumbo-jumbo double-speak charge on their like short-fall, it equals a windfall for the company, get on the phone and challenge them.

Suckers!!!

Bizarro Dream # 10707

Bizarro Dream # 10707

I was actually trying NOT to write this one down; mainly because it’s a bit complex. There are a lot of details.

It starts, from what I can remember, with a conversation with an actor. He’s one of those guys like William Macy who you’ve seen hundreds of times but never knew his name. He made sure I remembered his name and everytime I began to come out of sleep I’d say his name, David Edwards. I even dreamed that I looked him up on the internet and I have a mental image of him in my head. However I can’t put an actual name to his face.

The conversation was casual, although it began to seem like an interview. Sometimes I tend to “interview” people during casual conversations. Mr. Edwards didn’t seem to mind. I can’t seem to remember any of the actual questions I asked him, however I do recall alluding to whether it bothered him that no one knew his name.

Okay, so after that I find myself on my way to work. I purposely walk down the park side of the street. One thing I picked up from my acting coach, (from way back when) was I had choices. I could choose to walk on the side of the street with the garbage, or the side with the flowers. I’ve always remembered that, even though it seems like simple common sense, sometimes these dormant ideas need a catalyst.

Anyway I was walking along the parkway and I see some friends of mine coming from a training session. They are all lawyers, public defenders or some such, and all female. (These are real people you’ve seen in pictures.) I figured I’d go over and say hello and walk them home. Normally down the hill there’s a track and a baseball diamond, but in the dream there’s a lake. A strong wind starts to blow from the south. It’s one of those winds you can hear as well as feel. Men in government issued windbreakers have shown up. There’s a sailboat on the lake moving as if it were motorized, that’s how fast the wind was blowing. The men draw high powered rifles and aim for the boat. One of my female friends draws a revolver – I am shocked!! (She never seemed the gun-toting type to me.) She says to me I shouldn’t see what she has to do, as she’s aiming her weapon at the sailboat and advises me to take cover. I am stunned and scared, so I hide. I hear all these gun shots going off. They seem to be going both ways, i.e. someone is shooting back.

When it’s over I don’t know what has been accomplished. Apparently someone got a tip that if they saw someone in the water with a goat, (this is not a type o, in my dream they said goat and not boat), they should take action.

Now that I’ve written and posted this dream I might be able to forget it. But wait until I see my friend and tell her that she was in my dream. I’m sure I’ll get the same puzzled look I always get.

REAL LIFE

Yesterday I leave the house to find a pigeon sitting on the back of my car. Stazja came out and took a picture. I thought about what do to about it. I figured maybe it would fly away and I opened the door, nope… when I closed the door and started the car, nope. I think the wind blew it off. It was mangy and might have not been able to fly. I don’t think it flew off as much as it was blown off the back of the car as I drove off.

This is the type of stuff that stands out to me because it doesn’t happen very often. Once, out of all the cars parked on my block some cat decided to jump on mine; I had to coax him off with a bucket of water.

The Opposite of SUNday must be SNOWday

(A Work in Progress)

To anyone in the northeast today’s contemplation on snow will be abundantly lucid.

As I trudged through, gloveless and with boots only as high as a Chuck Taylor high-top, I began to contemplate all the significant events that happened to me around snow days – not just snow days, but snow storms.

I drove 80% of the island of Newfoundland in a blizzard. From Port Aux Basques where I debarked the ferry – thinking now how it could have capsized in the treacherous North Atlantic – to Argentia, my destination in about seven days. Usually it only takes seven hours to traverse the island on the trans-Canadian highway.

In Newfoundland snow generally falls from November thru April… part of my job was to maintain the equipment that removes it… as well as removing some of it myself.

The day I came home from school to find the soon-to-be mother of my children in my house. I took that as a sign. Who knew it would dissolve… but it was fun while it lasted, at least the first few years.

My first child was born during a snow storm.

And, I recall vividly, once again trudging through the snow – possibly a foot of it or more – to buy my infant son diapers. How did we run out before a snow storm?

Anyway – the house is warm, the lights and music are on. I can treat myself to some warmth today, sleep late, maybe mix another CD, and maybe relax. Take a SNOW DAY!

UPDATE #1: 12:30PM
My eyes open and at first I can’t tell whether it’s still snowing, or whether what I see is snow being whipped from the rooftops! YIKES… it’s STILL snowing. I’m telling myself, “I’m SNOW TEAM!!!” Get out there and remove that snow! Where are my freekin’ gloves? I can’t find or haven’t found my main pair OR my back up pair. I’ll locate them I suppose. But first – perhaps hot chocolate for a change, or even the usual tea.

The City’s “CLOSED!” The local TV stations have dispatched their own version of “SNOW TEAMS” around the city and suburbs to show up images of snow activity… the usual stuff, people digging, comments about the snow, vehicles stuck, sliding, making unplanned contact with each other. And I gotta SHOVEL!!! How many more winters will I endure here before I make up my mind to follow the birds and fly south?

Day One

"_______" What's the sound of a shattering champaign bottle christening a new ship? Fill it in... That's the sound of this blog being christened. Althought I don't have much to say at the moment, I find a reason for this thing to exist.

Noxsoma is [re]-BORN.